Earnest Parenting » Tween

Parenting Help: Evaluate Your Anger

Amy LeForge — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:55:00 +0000

ikoniWe’ve had rather an interesting conversation in the comments of my most recent post on parental anger. If you haven’t been following it, do pop over and take a read. Essentially, I wrote that I was angry with the boys. Beat said that he almost never gets angry with kids and doesn’t understand it in general. I get that, but I think he’s in the minority of parents on this planet. Most of us get mad. His point is extremely important and should be kept in mind. His way of parenting is something I aspire to.

Debbie said that she evaluated the situation before getting angry. If it wasn’t something that would matter in 6 weeks, it wasn’t worth getting upset.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Corinne reminded me that children are forgiving in general, and that boys in particular have their challenges.

Yup. If I understood even a tiny percentage of boy, life would be easier for all of us here.

After more than 2 weeks of not being angry…of being peaceful and happy and patient, I’ve gotten upset twice and today makes three I think. Ugh.

I’ve blown past Beat’s don’t get mad and am now evaluating the situation with Debbie’s criteria. Will this matter in 6 weeks?

Let me tell you what I’m upset about: messy rooms.

Yes, I can see where that may seem like a minor issue in life. But here’s what I’m thinking: a messy room is the result of a boy who is not taking responsibility nor exercising self-discipline.

Teaching responsibility and self-discipline is my job. Learning and implementing those skills is theirs. They’re not doing their job. Will this matter in 6 weeks? YES. Given that I’ve been fighting this battle for over a decade with the older boys, I think being upset with them is reasonable.

I started the older boys doing their own laundry last year sometime, and after several missteps we worked out a reasonable system and they kept up with things for the most part. As a New Year’s gift, I offered to wash everyone’s clothes this past weekend. 5 gigantic loads of laundry later, I asked both The Mercenary and TechnoBoy to take an armload of clean clothes and put them away. Mind you, I’d washed, dried, smoothed, and hung them on hangers. All they had to do was walk 58 feet and hang the clothes on the rod in the closet.

I even said to one boy, “Please hang these ON the rod in your closet.” To which he replied somewhat scornfully, “I know, Mom,” and I answered, “Knowing and doing are two different things.”

Sure enough, when I entered their room later both boys had dropped their armload of clothes on the floor.

Seriously???

That’s how they roll. Everything on the floor. (I shudder to think what their college rooms will look like. Scary.)

If we weren’t about to put our house up for sale, I could be much more forgiving. But we’re in the final weeks of preparation, and they HAVE to start keeping their rooms clean. Also? They’re going to be adult-type humans someday, and they HAVE to know how to be responsible and exercise self-discipline.

So yea. They need to step up a bit and cooperate. I don’t expect perfection. Heck, that’d scare me! But I do expect to see SOME kind of effort.

Ugh. Boys.

Earnest Parenting: help for parents who are frustrated about boys.

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Dealing with the Danger of Teen Depression

Melissa Cameron — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:49:17 +0000

(Editor’s note: Melissa has some wisdom to share about teens and depression. Now that we’re in the teen years, no I don’t think you can avoid the angst. But these strategies are excellent for helping stave off the worst and helping the whole phase pass more smoothly. Thanks, Melissa!)

It’s every parent’s nightmare—teen depression. Sometimes it’s hard to remember what it was like as a teen. There’s a lot going on in their minds, and they don’t quite have the tools to cope with it all yet. That’s a big load for young shoulders to carry. As a parent, I worry about that a lot.

My own two children aren’t quite at that age yet, and I look at their bright, energetic, happy faces and struggle to imagine them ever being moody, petulant and full of angst. I know it’s coming though. What I didn’t know is if it could be avoided.

Wouldn’t we all like the magic solution that can help us circumnavigate the troubled teen years? Well, there may not be a full-on solution, but there are ways to help.

Exercise Troubles Away

There are so many reasons regular exercise is good for everybody in the family, but it can really help teens going through difficult emotional times. Schwinn exercise bikes are a great addition to the home, and let everyone enjoy the benefits of regular daily exercise no matter what the weather is outside.

Exercise releases powerful endorphins that are the body’s natural opiate. That’s right, no need for those expensive, dangerous and illegal drugs. Let your teen in on the secret to real happiness. The type of drug they can use safely and get anytime they need it: exercise.

Foster Friendships Early On

Teach your children how to pick their friends and maintain strong relationships with them from a very early age. The better they are at developing friendships when they reach those troubled teen years, the more peer support they will have that is positive and healthy to help them through it. As much as we’d like to be the only influences in our children’s lives, that just isn’t realistic. What is realistic is setting them up with the skills to pick the influences that will nurture them instead of instigate negative actions.

Get them Talking

Perhaps one of the hardest things for parents to deal with is the sudden silence of their teens. What was once a close and chatty relationship all of a sudden seems to stop, and teens become closed off. Keep the lines of communication as open as possible, and at the very least, always let them know you are willing and waiting to talk to them, without judgment (very important) about anything they are upset about, or need to work through.

Recognizing the Dangers Signals

While it may seem that teen depression strikes out of nowhere, it seldom really does. Usually there are warning signs that trouble is brewing under the surface of your once cheerful child. It’s important to remember that not every act of rebellion is a sign of deeper problems. All teens go through some form of mood swings, rebellion and sadness. It’s a natural process of transitioning from total dependence to adult sufficiency.

Some of the danger signs of teen depression are:

Feelings of hopelessness
Excessive and consistent anger, hostility or irritability
Over emotional crying or tearfulness
Losing interest in normally favored activities and hobbies
Changes in sleeping patterns
Changes in eating
Feeling worthless
Fatigue
Inability to concentrate
Talk of death or suicide

Whatever you do, make sure you never give up. If it means buying a Horizon Fitness ex-59 elliptical trainer that they are interested in, or learning to love the latest rap singer they’re “all about.” Keep working at your relationship with your teens. As long as you do, they’ll grow out of it, and the teen years will be a much happier memory for everyone involved.

About the Author: As a freelance writer, Melissa Cameron spends a lot of time researching parenting topics, as well as local history and other subjects she enjoys sharing with her readers. These topics all hit home in her role as mother and wife to a husband and two children in Austin, Texas where she spends her time enjoying the thrills of a large extended family that lives nearby.

Earnest Parenting: advice for parents who want to help their teens.

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Teach Your Children Good Manners Over a Cup of Tea

Amy LeForge — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 09:53:16 +0000

(Editor’s note: please welcome Veronica with some suggestions for teaching manners in a fun way. Thanks, Veronica!)

We all want our children to behave, especially around others. So how do we teach our little ones to behave like we want to? In my book it isn’t enough that they are not mean to others, I want them to have good manners when it comes to the little things as well. Sometimes it is difficult to instill these values in our children, either because we don’t have time to really make an effort at it or because they don’t seem to like it when we lecture them. Either way, whatever your reason, it isn’t nice when our children seem to have lost all manners.

So, how about tea for two? Having a tea party is a wonderfully fun way of teaching your children how to behave with good etiquette and manners, without lecturing them. By teaching manners through play you also have a chance to witness how they behave in certain situation and can guide them on a path more suitable. For example: how does your little man act when he gets served something he doesn’t like? Try serving him, at your pretend tea party, something you know he isn’t particularly fond of. When he sees the item of food you can then help him find a way to politely decline the item given to him, or tell him that he should taste just a little bit of it and then put it nicely to the side of the plate. More than likely, he will just go: “yuk, I don’t like this.” If this is the case you can then show him how to react in a mannered way. Or how about when you little girl picks her nose and then burps at the table, not nice manners at all and embarrassing if she were to do so when you were around others. Tell her what you think of it and that it is rude to do so around the table.

You can discuss with your children how different cultures have different manners. Kids love to hear that in some parts of the world it is considered good manners to burp after food, and then you can explain that it is not good manners in our culture. If your kids don’t get the message try the opposite way, if you are served something by your little girl, whether it is a mud cake or a real cake, just express your dislike for it. Be obnoxious and rude and don’t pay any interest to your hostess. Before you know it she’ll be upset that you don’t like her food; this is an excellent way of then telling her that this is how you feel when they make faces and tell you that your food is ‘yucky’ and that they don’t like it. You have an opportunity to explain that it can be hurtful to the person who made the food to act like that, and that there are more polite ways of telling someone that it is not your favourite food. Most of the time, in my mind, you shouldn’t say that you don’t like it. Just try the food (always try a little bit of what you are being served, that is good manners) and then put it aside if it is not to your taste.

Before starting your little tea party exercise, have an idea in your head at what you would like to try to teach your children. A checklist in your head might be a good idea. Here is a few to remember:

1. Wash your hands before sitting down at the table. Explain why you do this.
2. Remember to say please and thank you.
3. Wait your turn.
4. Share with others.
5. Be respectful.
6. Don’t burp or pass wind at the table.
7. Teach them to say sorry and how to excuse themselves.

Remember children learn from our examples; show them what good manners are rather than telling them!

Veronica Grude Docker writes for Pink Heaven, specialists in bedroom accessories, girls’ birthday presents and partyware.

Earnest Parenting: tips for parents who want polite children.

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Angry Mom Has Fit, Boys Clean Up

Amy LeForge — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 04:55:17 +0000

Last year I asked the question: Am I a Failure at Homeschooling? At the time, things got so frustrating with the boys hating school and me being incapacitated with the knee injury that Hubby and I told the boys that there was nothing left to do but enroll in public school.

Cooler heads and some problem solving strategies prevailed, and the boys stayed at home. I wouldn’t say that life has been anywhere near perfect since then but we’re managing. Days have ranged from “frustrating” to “survivable” to “pretty okay”. I suddenly noticed recently that I was having the “are you going to be homeschooled or public schooled” conversation EVERY day. Not good. It finally occurred to me to explain that when we agree on a plan, we’re committing to the entire school year for said plan. This helped a bit, but frustration still was growing for all of us.

Last week the younger boys went to hang with grandma and grandpa while the older boys stayed home. I thought this would make life easier, but two days of chasing boys around the house and policing their every move proved to be even more frustrating than ever. I taught lessons Monday and sent them to have lunch and do their homework right before noon. Two hours and nineteen minutes later I checked up on The Mercenary only to discover he’d accomplished exactly none of his work in that time. On top of that, the house was a constant mess. Every time I cleaned anything, it was trashed again within the day. And? Any request I made to clean something was ignored. Even something as simple as putting clean clothes (that I had washed and folded FOR them) away took days.

By Wednesday I had had it. Nothing was changing, and the extra time that I thought I would have each day was not appearing. I got angry over yet another episode of time-wasting and lost my temper completely. Honestly, I don’t remember what set me off. I was that upset. I shot off a long tirade about how I felt attacked all the time when they made messes. I also told them that I get that they don’t like school or learning, but it makes absolutely no sense to reject everything just because I suggest it. I happen to be HIGHLY qualified to teach them, and I’m sick of them acting otherwise.

I’ve said all that before, and I was crying, and I suddenly was overcome with the need to get away. I told the boys that I was going to go to church to do some work and I left rather abruptly. While there, I got my work done and called a dear friend to ask for some wisdom. After crying on her shoulder for a while, I finished my errands and treated myself to a coffee at the coffeeshop. About five minutes before I got home, my phone rang. It was TechnoBoy, asking when I was going to be home. I told him, “5 minutes. And we can talk when I get there. I love you,” and hung up.

As soon as I walked in the door, it was obvious that they’d been working.

Heroes, they’d cleaned the WHOLE house. And by “clean” I mean vacuumed, dusted, picked up, and even scrubbed some table tops. Coats were hung up, shoes were stacked neatly. It was such a beautiful thing I almost cried all over again. A couple of hugs and thank you’s seemed more prudent, so I went with that.

Wednesday was the first day in their lives that the older boys understood that I was unhappy and how best to respond. It was the first day I ever remember them putting that kind of effort into pleasing me. It was so amazing! I’m not going to accuse them of being completely mature and grown up, but they certainly took a big step last week.

It’s enough encouragement to keep going for now, and that’s all that matters.

photo credit: anneh632

Earnest Parenting: Help for frustrated parents.

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“Just Because I Said So” Is a Valid Parenting Technique

Amy LeForge — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 21:26:54 +0000

Getting children to be obedient can be a tricky thing. I know this will ruffle some feathers, but there are times in life when I expect the boys to do something simply because I’ve asked. Period. Of course I try to share the logic behind my directions and requests as often as I can, but there are some times when it just comes down to “you need to do this because I asked.”

Someday each of my lovely boys is going to go out and get a job. In that job, they’re going to have to do what the boss asks just because the boss asked. How can they succeed in their work if they don’t know how to function in a structured world? Could they just finish school and strike out as entrepreneurs and always be self-employed? Yes….but how likely is that to happen without any work experiences in traditional jobs?

I know it drives them completely crazy when I tell them they have to do what I’ve asked “just because”, so I try not to do it too often. But I do say it.

What about you?

Do you say “because I said so!” to your kids? How do you structure that?

Do you put any effort into explaining the whys and wherefores of your instructions sometimes? All the time?

Would you please leave a comment and let me know? I’m curious!

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