Earnest Parenting » Relationship

Balancing Being a Parent and Being a Friend

Amy LeForge — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 19:01:36 +0000

(Editor’s note: a big thank you to Elaine for her insights on balanced parenting here. Thanks Elaine!)

How children are parented will affect them for the rest of their lives. As primary caregivers, parents are responsible for the physical, emotional and psychological welfare of their children. Yet parents need to be wary of sweeping statements like “Be a parent, not a friend.” Taking that generalization too literally can result in parenting that is too distant, aloof or controlling. Effective parenting requires finding a balance between being a friend and being a parent. Given the lack of academic research that’s been done on the subject, balancing friendship and parenthood is an often overlooked topic in master’s degree programs in psychology and child development. This article will take a deeper look into what experts are saying about finding a balance.

Joanne Stern, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of the book, Parenting Is a Contact Sport, stresses the benefits of being a friend to a child. “Your kids benefit immensely from this friendship,” Stern says, “because it establishes a solid base of trust and respect between you.” Stern emphasizes the value of friendship as children get older. “Why would you want to back away from or sever that close and positive relationship when they reach the pre-teen and teen years, times when they’re struggling with their growth into adulthood and meeting big challenges along the way? In fact, these are the times they need your support, your caring and your influence the most.”

Stern also stresses the necessity of setting boundaries for children, warning parents not to be too permissive with their children, but urging parents not to become too controlling at the same time. Becoming too distant cuts off the lines of communication that are so essential in establishing trust within a relationship. On the other hand, becoming too controlling can lead children to assume a rebellious attitude that can lead to self-destructive behavior. Too much interference sends a message to children that they cannot function on their own.

Problems arise when the parents overstep their boundaries and instead solely try to befriend their children. Psychologist and Director of the Institute for the Study of Children, Families and Social Issues at Birkbeck University of London Jay Belsky warns of the consequences when parents seek to meet their own emotional needs through their children. Children who are put in the role of confidant or mediator are more apt to feel depressed in adulthood and to engage in destructive behavior. Stern emphasizes that “placing a child, even a teenager, in the age-inappropriate role of confidante and support provider to a parent is not in the child’s best interest.”

Although parents should never abandon their responsibilities to set boundaries, guide, and discipline their children, they must do so in a manner that not only allows the children to gain a sense of independence, but also in a manner that is emotionally connected. Being a friend to children can teach them how to be a friend to others and develop the foundation for a long-term relationship. On the other side of the argument, parents need to ensure that they do not become dependent on the friendship of their own children to meet their emotional needs. With the right balance, being a parent and a friend to one’s child can provide for a wholesome and rewarding childhood experience.

Earnest Parenting: advice for parents who want to be balanced in their approach.

Image courtesy of Holtsman via Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.

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Celebrate Family History Month with Archive.com

Amy LeForge — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 03:25:49 +0000

Howdy, Heroes! Did you know that October is Family History month? Yup. It is. The good folks at Archive.com have created a super interesting graphic that celebrates our diversity and heritage. It also has suggestions for ways to get involved with your own family. Check it out!

What will you do to celebrate your family’s history?

Earnest Parenting: tips for parents who want to celebrate their history.

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Anger Issues

Amy LeForge — Thu, 06 May 2010 10:06:30 +0000

I’ve mentioned before that Captain Earthquake has difficulty controlling his temper. If he gets angry, he routinely lets himself get swept away in the emotion. Lately, if he gets angry in the morning, we can expect him to stay that way for hours.

Now, I happen to be an expert in angry. In my heyday, I could go for days giving someone the silent treatment, and boy howdy did I know how to carry a grudge. But that’s not the best way to live my life; carrying anger only hurts me and it’s not the life of love and forgiveness I’m commanded to live. I’d like to help the Captain come to that understanding a whole lot earlier than I did.

So, we’ve been working on it. There have been almost-daily conversations about anger and the need to control temper. We’ve tried time-outs, consequences, and so on. Happily, there’s been some improvement. One thing that helped a while back was to explain that his room is a safe place to calm down. When I send him there, it’s not a punishment but rather a nice quiet place to relax and get over the anger.

That approach has been moderately successful, but lately the temper…issues…have looked a whole lot like temper tantrums. For a boy who’s well past 7, this is not okay. Sooooo, more talking.

One thing that seemed to help was a conversation we had about how hard it is to stop being angry once you start. To his credit, the Captain has been trying to get over the anger sooner, and he’s been trying to cooperate with me lately. I’ve been in a place of (more than I was 2 months ago) patience and peace, which seems to help him a lot. Laughter has been a great tool as well.

Yesterday I got home from physical therapy to find him in a complete. and total. rage. He’d been outside spraying water-springtime usually finds him looking for any and all water play-and was drilling holes in the gravel driveway with the water. Both Hubby and I had told him not to destroy the driveway, and both TechnoBoy and The Manager knew that. They’d been trying to stop the destruction by turning off the water and disconnecting the hose.

Rather than hear what they were saying, the Captain saw only that his very mean brothers were trying to thwart him. Hence the complete and total rage when I arrived on scene. TechnoBoy wanted to tell me his side of the story, but I had a fairly good idea that the person needing the most correction was the Captain so I sent him away.

At first, all I got was “They’re being idiots!!!” When I sweetly explained that “idiot” isn’t a clear and concrete description, and that we don’t just call names like that, he tried again. “They’re being MEAN!!!”.

Again, that’s not concrete, I explained. Tell me what they did.

It took a while, but he was able to give me a rundown, ending with, “AND THEN I SPRAYED HIM WITH WATER IN THE FACE!!!!!”

I didn’t laugh, but asked him to go to his room for a minute. Then TechnoBoy returned and confirmed the story, filling in a few details. I called the Captain back.

When he stomped back into the room, I explained that I had some things to talk about, but I wanted him to go ahead and finish calming down first. Would he like to do that in his room or would he like to go outside?

“I’LL GO TO MY ROOM!!!!” He shouted. I asked if his brother was already in there.

“NO!!! HE’S NOT IN THERE. I’M GOING TO BE MAD FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!”

“Okay,” I said. “But that sounds like a long time to be angry. I wouldn’t feel good if I was angry that long.”

After a moment of thinking, he amended the shout to “I’M GOING TO BE MAD ALL DAY!!!!!’

“Okay,” I said. “Go ahead and go to your room, and let me know when you’re done.”

“I WILL!!!” He bellowed. “AND THEN I WILL TALK TO YOU.”

About ten minutes later, a much calmer child showed up to get a hug and talk things out.

That’s my boy.

photo credit: Sam Cockman

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We’re Working on that “Getting Along” Thing

Amy LeForge — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 08:04:17 +0000

Growing up, I didn’t get along well with my brother. Two years younger than me, we were constantly competing for attention and the rivalry was pretty intense. Seriously intense. I hated him with passion, and it wasn’t until we were both out of the house and on our own that we made peace and became friends.

Having that much contention in the home is something both Hubby and I want very much to avoid, so we work very hard to encourage our boys to get along with each other. I was very pleasantly surprised when the younger ones were born at how wonderful the older ones were as brothers. For the past 7 years I’ve often wondered when the wars would begin.

For the most part, they haven’t. It may have something to do with the twin thing…everyone has an ally and each set has a mutual adversary. So we’re fairly well balanced. The older boys do get exasperated with the younger ones, and not a day goes by that they don’t all pick at each other. Boys are boys after all. What would life be if you didn’t kick your brother on your way past him?

It’s still difficult though. As humans, they’re much more likely to extend kindness and mercy to friends and strangers before their own brothers. We’re toughest on those we love, aren’t we? The older boys do not want to believe that a) they need to be forgiving of younger ones just because they’re younger; b) they acted just that same way at that age; and c) it’s completely appropriate for us to expect them to act better because they’re older. The younger boys don’t believe that they should give their older brothers space or time alone.

This morning, Captain Earthquake got pretty angry when The Mercenary didn’t want him around. He’d been pestering his older brother and was no longer welcome to play. I surprised him by saying that he’d earned the consequence. If he wanted to be around his brother, he was going to have to be nicer. Oooooo, he wasn’t pleased. He at least listened and calmed down, so that’s a hopeful sign.

Too bad The Mercenary didn’t hear me backing him up. He believes that I’m always on the younger boys’ side. Well, I guess we’ll just keep working. Any suggestions or experiences with your own kids in this area?

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The Joy of Laughter

Amy LeForge — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 16:52:14 +0000

My weekly post at GNM Parents is up. I thought Giggles was a good thing to think about in the last minute hecticness (is that a word) before Christmas.

Earnest Parenting: advice for parents who love to laugh.

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