Earnest Parenting » Parenting

What to Do When Your College Grad Moves Back In

Amy LeForge — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:43:15 +0000

“Mom and Dad, I think I need to move back home.” Parents everywhere are hearing that confession more and more often from their college grads. Grown children returning to the nest after college is a phenomenon fueled by the combination of accumulated student debt, poor job prospects, and low-pay for the jobs that are available. What are parents, especially happy empty-nesters, to do?

First, welcome them back and do not be alarmed. This trend is happening everywhere, not just to you and your child. In fact, an overwhelming number of college graduates return home now after they graduate; Some estimates are as high as 85%. So you and your child both need to know it is not your fault or theirs; it is simply a sign of the times. For what it’s worth, your child does indeed have a college degree and will be much better off in their job search compared to others without it. Furthermore, a typical job search is no longer constrained to sending out one’s resume and waiting to hear back from interviews. According to MBA Online, the need for entrepreneurial spirit is greater today than ever before; for many recent graduates, buffing up their personal brand by having a social media presence, networking with like-minded professionals, and doing freelance work will all be necessary to find a job in today’s job market.

Second, recognize that your child likely feels embarrassed, upset and perhaps like a complete failure, even though it is such a common experience. College is supposed to pave the way toward upward mobility; how can it possibly result in being back in one’s childhood bedroom with memorabilia from high school on the walls? Surely a kid is going to feel bad about it. You may even feel just the opposite: happy to have her there, happy to have the house full again. But you need to acknowledge your grad’s feelings. Be upbeat about their future prospects. Remind your child that you are very proud of his accomplishments. Declare that you know the situation is temporary. Convey your confidence that moving home was very smart and will best position them for the future.

Third, adapt your house rules. Your graduate is not a kid anymore and you are no longer entitled to govern her life. On the other hand, you are entitled to the same standards that you would expect from a house guest. Letting you know when they will be home, if they are bringing guests, whether they will be there for a meal are all polite conventions they should expect. Obviously, you also have to talk about their responsibility for rent, cell phone charges, chores, the job search and how long they can stay. On the other hand, telling them who to date or where they can go or whether they can stay out all night are all faux-pas at this age. Remember, they have been highly independent for awhile so keep the house rules to a minimum. At the same time, preserve your own life style and financial health.

Finally, it can be fun. This is an opportunity to have a new, mature relationship with your child. Do not intrude but don’t be a stranger, either. Talk about how your grad sees the world; offer comfort and wisdom; help him with proofing a resume; encourage her efforts to attain independence. And enjoy an outing – going to a game or shopping together. You marveled at her first steps, now you can marvel at their transformation into an independent young adult.

Earnest Parenting: help for parents of college grads who still need their folks.

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Orthodontic Work Can Stress Kids Out

Amy LeForge — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 22:51:40 +0000

So, the younger boys have needed some orthodontic treatment for quite a while. We bit the bullet a couple of months ago and had them evaluated. Each needed an appliance installed to straighten out their bite and avoid surgery in the future.

This has not been an easy process. Both boys were less than pleased about the prospect, even though we explained very carefully that the risks of NOT getting treatment were much greater than going through with it. They’ve been as cooperative as they could be overall, but there’s definitely been some tears and frustration.

The appliances were installed yesterday, so learning to speak around them and to eat without food getting stuck is still ongoing. Captain Earthquake informed me last night that he was starting to adjust (his appliance is less intrusive), while The Manager was still sad about it this morning. I expect that we’ll still have some down times for a while. Neither one of them has played outside in the cold weather yet and I’m betting that will be a bit rough.

Poor boys.

Yesterday before the appointment, the Captain in particular was very irritable and ready to pick a fight with the world. After the appointment, The Manager refused to eat or talk for several hours.

Rather than argue, I just let them be as much as possible. The Mercenary was around all day and it was difficult for him to leave them alone but we worked on it. He wanted to make sure eating was happening. I said that he’d get hungry sooner or later and to just let him alone. Sure enough, he ate dinner.

I offered to do a fun thing or two right after the appointment, but neither boy was in the mood to do anything but go home. So that’s what we did.

In general, when a child is freaking out over a situation of this magnitude, here are the important steps to take.

1. Stay calm.
2. Allow them space to vent their anxiety a bit.
3. Try to respond with logic and reassurance, but keep talking/arguing to a minimum.
4. Offer fun tasks as distractions; be ready for him/her to say no.
5. Have quiet activities in a safe place (home) planned to allow for emotional recovery.

One of the best things you can do is just be there. Last night we watched four television shows all snuggled on the couch together, then sent the boys to bed. If rotting their brains out in front of the boob tube helps, then do it. They’ll settle faster and recover better from the stress.

What do you do when your kids are stressed?

Earnest Parenting: help for parents of stressed kids.

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Parenting Help: Teach About Racism

Amy LeForge — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 19:47:41 +0000

One of the 9 year olds made a comment the other day that something or other was black, and his twin immediately accused him of being racist.

What????!?

I called them over to chat, and eventually determined they’d learned from older brothers that talking about colors like brown or black was racist. (Made note to self: repeat this discussion with older boys STAT.) Then I explained that true racism is believing that one person is better than another based only on the color of their skin. Which is ridiculous. Skin color doesn’t automatically make anyone better. Or worse.

Then I explained that we only accuse of racism when that exact situation happens: when they see someone hurting another person because of skin color. If we go around accusing people of it willy-nilly, then two things happen. 1) People live in fear of unnecessary reproach and 2) Real racism could get ignored.

When people live in fear of unnecessary reproach, they curtail their own speech and get into the land of Political Correctness, which quickly becomes insane. (That’s a rant for another day.) And if real racism gets ignored then someone is getting hurt. As Christians, we’re called to treat other humans with love and respect. Racist behavior definitely doesn’t meet that requirement.

Later on last night I talked to the older boys about it. When I got to the part about real racism, The Mercenary said, “I’ve seen real racism happen.”

“I’m sure you have,” I said. “Did you confront the person at the time about it?”

“No!” he said in horror.

And that’s another part of the definition of racism. When it’s truly happening you’re witnessing hate, and that can be scary to confront. Especially as a very young person. I don’t blame him for not speaking up; it’s something I hope he learns to do though. In the meantime, we’ve got it defined and we’ve talked about how evil it really is.

Hopefully by treating the subject seriously and by helping them know what not to take lightly, wisdom will take root in their hearts.

Have you talked to your kids about racism?

Earnest Parenting: help for parents who want their kids to love all humans equally.

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Young Mom’s Guide to Sleep Deprivation

Amy LeForge — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 18:11:17 +0000

Being a new mom is an exhilarating experience. No one can rival the extent of love a mother feels for her new born baby. Once the heady initial days are over, a new mother faces new challenges which she often finds hard to cope with. If you are a young mom, you may know the feeling. The issue most young mothers find hard to deal with is lack of sleep. Your baby chooses to sleep peacefully during the day and decides to wake up exactly when you go to bed. How do you deal with it?

This lack of sleep often dampens the wonderful initial feeling and may make you short tempered and irritable. You may not be able to change your baby’s sleeping pattern, but there are some steps you can take to get more sleep. Don’t let this affect your life.

Take a short nap when your baby does
Your prime responsibility as a young mom is your baby. Your baby is likely to spend most of the day sleeping. When your baby’s sleeping during the day, take a break yourself and enjoy a nap. This will not only help you relax but also make up for some of the sleepless hours of the night.

Plan your day ahead
The most rigidly organized women can become overwhelmed with their responsibilities when they become new moms. The result is in the form of chaotic days and sleepless nights. This will not happen if you prioritize your tasks and follow a schedule. Planning ahead is the key to keep you calm and in control. It’s not just you who needs to follow a schedule but also your baby. With some careful planning (and patience), you can put your baby’s activities in order so that the baby feeds, sleeps, and plays in set times. This may sound impossible to you right now but many successful moms have learned and applied this trick.

Plan your night:
Impossible as it may sound, it can be done if you work toward this goal. If you carefully monitor your baby’s night activities, you will realize that the baby actually follows a routine. This is true for most babies. According to a mother of three, her firstborn would get up exactly at 3:35am crying for a diaper change and sleep again by 4:30am after being changed and feed. Once she realized this, she prepared her mind for this daily routine. Once she accepted this fact, she was able to fall asleep with her baby instead of feeling resentful and irritable.

Get your partner to help you
Remember, your child is not only your responsibility. Divide some of the tasks with your husband. This will not only help relive some of your responsibilities, but also positively affect your relationship.

About the Author
Mike is a dad, but has helped his wife to deal with sleep deprivation and is happy to share his experience. When he is not writing, Mike distributes baby toys and Leapfrog toys

Earnest Parenting: help for tired moms.

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Teaching Teens Flexibility Requires Patience

Amy LeForge — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:39:06 +0000

Soooo yea. Teenagers. I’m still wrapping my mind around the whole concept of parenting two of them. Thankfully, while they do drive me a little batty, for the most part they’re not terribly awful as of now. I’m learning that I need to think back to my own experiences and development to figure out how to handle my boys.

An example: The Mercenary has wanted for a very long time to learn to play the guitar. We just learned this week that a music teacher will be coming to the homeschool co-op that we attend, affording him the opportunity to take ten weeks of lessons very conveniently.

Hubby and I each have a guitar. Mine cost about a hundred bucks and I bought it while on a trip to Mexico. It’s nice, but not any kind of collector’s item. Hubby’s was inherited from a great uncle, is quite old, and is electric. It doesn’t appraise as a super expensive item (someone saw fit to spray-paint it in the 70′s) but it does have some value and I would hate to see it get damaged at all. The co-op boasted nearly 40 children last semester, ranging in age from newborn to 13.

I see absolutely no wisdom in taking an item of value to that venue and trusting that no accidents would happen. So I announced to The Mercenary on Thursday that he could have the lessons but in no way shape or form would he be bringing his dad’s guitar each week.

Ohhhhh he was upset with me! At one point he told me that he just wouldn’t take lessons at all then.

Rather than argue, I just stated my case a time or two (to be clear) and then I left it alone. We haven’t discussed it since then. He stewed for a while, then the whole thing dropped.

Why was he upset? Because I wasn’t operating according to his pre-conceived notion of the guitar lesson. He had imagined the total coolness of bringing that guitar in, and all the other kids envying his awesomeness. I had just burst that bubble, and it’s natural that he would be displeased. You should have seen me as a teenager. I would get SO upset if things didn’t go according to my plans. I’ve learned to handle sudden change much better over time, but it definitely took me years to grow past that particular issue.

I most definitely owe it to him to be understanding and allow him the time to do follow that same path of improvement.

The co-op resumes in two weeks, and I betcha he cooperates with the plan and takes my guitar in for lessons. With time to get over the shock, he’ll likely choose to get the lessons even though it’s not what he originally intended.

He’ll just have to demonstrate his personal awesomeness in another way.

Earnest Parenting: help for parents of awesome yet inflexible children.

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