Earnest Parenting » Adolescence

Parenting Help: Teach About Racism

Amy LeForge — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 19:47:41 +0000

One of the 9 year olds made a comment the other day that something or other was black, and his twin immediately accused him of being racist.

What????!?

I called them over to chat, and eventually determined they’d learned from older brothers that talking about colors like brown or black was racist. (Made note to self: repeat this discussion with older boys STAT.) Then I explained that true racism is believing that one person is better than another based only on the color of their skin. Which is ridiculous. Skin color doesn’t automatically make anyone better. Or worse.

Then I explained that we only accuse of racism when that exact situation happens: when they see someone hurting another person because of skin color. If we go around accusing people of it willy-nilly, then two things happen. 1) People live in fear of unnecessary reproach and 2) Real racism could get ignored.

When people live in fear of unnecessary reproach, they curtail their own speech and get into the land of Political Correctness, which quickly becomes insane. (That’s a rant for another day.) And if real racism gets ignored then someone is getting hurt. As Christians, we’re called to treat other humans with love and respect. Racist behavior definitely doesn’t meet that requirement.

Later on last night I talked to the older boys about it. When I got to the part about real racism, The Mercenary said, “I’ve seen real racism happen.”

“I’m sure you have,” I said. “Did you confront the person at the time about it?”

“No!” he said in horror.

And that’s another part of the definition of racism. When it’s truly happening you’re witnessing hate, and that can be scary to confront. Especially as a very young person. I don’t blame him for not speaking up; it’s something I hope he learns to do though. In the meantime, we’ve got it defined and we’ve talked about how evil it really is.

Hopefully by treating the subject seriously and by helping them know what not to take lightly, wisdom will take root in their hearts.

Have you talked to your kids about racism?

Earnest Parenting: help for parents who want their kids to love all humans equally.

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Teaching Teens Flexibility Requires Patience

Amy LeForge — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:39:06 +0000

Soooo yea. Teenagers. I’m still wrapping my mind around the whole concept of parenting two of them. Thankfully, while they do drive me a little batty, for the most part they’re not terribly awful as of now. I’m learning that I need to think back to my own experiences and development to figure out how to handle my boys.

An example: The Mercenary has wanted for a very long time to learn to play the guitar. We just learned this week that a music teacher will be coming to the homeschool co-op that we attend, affording him the opportunity to take ten weeks of lessons very conveniently.

Hubby and I each have a guitar. Mine cost about a hundred bucks and I bought it while on a trip to Mexico. It’s nice, but not any kind of collector’s item. Hubby’s was inherited from a great uncle, is quite old, and is electric. It doesn’t appraise as a super expensive item (someone saw fit to spray-paint it in the 70′s) but it does have some value and I would hate to see it get damaged at all. The co-op boasted nearly 40 children last semester, ranging in age from newborn to 13.

I see absolutely no wisdom in taking an item of value to that venue and trusting that no accidents would happen. So I announced to The Mercenary on Thursday that he could have the lessons but in no way shape or form would he be bringing his dad’s guitar each week.

Ohhhhh he was upset with me! At one point he told me that he just wouldn’t take lessons at all then.

Rather than argue, I just stated my case a time or two (to be clear) and then I left it alone. We haven’t discussed it since then. He stewed for a while, then the whole thing dropped.

Why was he upset? Because I wasn’t operating according to his pre-conceived notion of the guitar lesson. He had imagined the total coolness of bringing that guitar in, and all the other kids envying his awesomeness. I had just burst that bubble, and it’s natural that he would be displeased. You should have seen me as a teenager. I would get SO upset if things didn’t go according to my plans. I’ve learned to handle sudden change much better over time, but it definitely took me years to grow past that particular issue.

I most definitely owe it to him to be understanding and allow him the time to do follow that same path of improvement.

The co-op resumes in two weeks, and I betcha he cooperates with the plan and takes my guitar in for lessons. With time to get over the shock, he’ll likely choose to get the lessons even though it’s not what he originally intended.

He’ll just have to demonstrate his personal awesomeness in another way.

Earnest Parenting: help for parents of awesome yet inflexible children.

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Parenting Help: Evaluate Your Anger

Amy LeForge — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:55:00 +0000

ikoniWe’ve had rather an interesting conversation in the comments of my most recent post on parental anger. If you haven’t been following it, do pop over and take a read. Essentially, I wrote that I was angry with the boys. Beat said that he almost never gets angry with kids and doesn’t understand it in general. I get that, but I think he’s in the minority of parents on this planet. Most of us get mad. His point is extremely important and should be kept in mind. His way of parenting is something I aspire to.

Debbie said that she evaluated the situation before getting angry. If it wasn’t something that would matter in 6 weeks, it wasn’t worth getting upset.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Corinne reminded me that children are forgiving in general, and that boys in particular have their challenges.

Yup. If I understood even a tiny percentage of boy, life would be easier for all of us here.

After more than 2 weeks of not being angry…of being peaceful and happy and patient, I’ve gotten upset twice and today makes three I think. Ugh.

I’ve blown past Beat’s don’t get mad and am now evaluating the situation with Debbie’s criteria. Will this matter in 6 weeks?

Let me tell you what I’m upset about: messy rooms.

Yes, I can see where that may seem like a minor issue in life. But here’s what I’m thinking: a messy room is the result of a boy who is not taking responsibility nor exercising self-discipline.

Teaching responsibility and self-discipline is my job. Learning and implementing those skills is theirs. They’re not doing their job. Will this matter in 6 weeks? YES. Given that I’ve been fighting this battle for over a decade with the older boys, I think being upset with them is reasonable.

I started the older boys doing their own laundry last year sometime, and after several missteps we worked out a reasonable system and they kept up with things for the most part. As a New Year’s gift, I offered to wash everyone’s clothes this past weekend. 5 gigantic loads of laundry later, I asked both The Mercenary and TechnoBoy to take an armload of clean clothes and put them away. Mind you, I’d washed, dried, smoothed, and hung them on hangers. All they had to do was walk 58 feet and hang the clothes on the rod in the closet.

I even said to one boy, “Please hang these ON the rod in your closet.” To which he replied somewhat scornfully, “I know, Mom,” and I answered, “Knowing and doing are two different things.”

Sure enough, when I entered their room later both boys had dropped their armload of clothes on the floor.

Seriously???

That’s how they roll. Everything on the floor. (I shudder to think what their college rooms will look like. Scary.)

If we weren’t about to put our house up for sale, I could be much more forgiving. But we’re in the final weeks of preparation, and they HAVE to start keeping their rooms clean. Also? They’re going to be adult-type humans someday, and they HAVE to know how to be responsible and exercise self-discipline.

So yea. They need to step up a bit and cooperate. I don’t expect perfection. Heck, that’d scare me! But I do expect to see SOME kind of effort.

Ugh. Boys.

Earnest Parenting: help for parents who are frustrated about boys.

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4 Vital Tips for Protecting Teens’ Online Privacy

Amy LeForge — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 18:11:55 +0000

(Editor’s note: please welcome Leslie’s advice for protecting the privacy of our children online. Thanks, Leslie!)

You never know who is watching you on the Web

Teenagers all over the globe use the Internet everyday to chat with friends, upload pictures to Facebook, share videos on YouTube, tweet their every movement and even check in to specific locations all over town. However, while they’re surfing the Web, posting their cell numbers and telling their 500 Facebook friends exactly where they are, are they worried about online privacy? Probably not! My teen wasn’t concerned either, until she became the victim of cyber bullying. Things spun out of control quickly and soon I was contacting attorneys in Louisiana, our home state, to find out what could be done to protect my daughter’s reputation.

Parents are correct to be worried about online predators and the very personal information that their teens might be sharing online. The truth of the matter is; the way we share information online can affects our real lives in various ways:

Friends, family members and new acquaintances make judgments based on your social network profiles
Hiring managers and bosses check social networking sites before they hire you
College admissions may look up applicant’s profiles before college interviews
Identity thieves and other predators are hoping to get into profiles to find personally identifiable information that can use to commit crimes
Cyber bullies will intentionally misrepresent their identity, age, or intentions on social networking websites to take advantage of naive social media users.

Protect your online privacy because you never know who is watching you online Parents should have teens consider the following questions: You might think the pictures you post of yourself doing a beer stand that raging high school party is just innocent fun. Or how about those sexy pictures you took for your boyfriend? What if you two breakup and he decided to be vindictive? How about that super cute girl you added last week? You’ve never met her, but she’s a teen like you so it’s probably harmless right? Are you certain your profile is safe and that only your friends can see it?

1. Who do you want to share information with?
A good rule of thumb is before posting anything on the Internet, you need to ask yourself, “Is this something I want everyone to know?” If it’s something you would only share with your closest friends, chances are it will eventually affect your online and personal reputation in a negative way. Plus, anything that exists on the Web, exists there for life. You never know who will download or scan copies of your photos for themselves or take information you say out of context and use it against you at a later date.

2. Strangers are not friends
Another good rule to social network by is to only accept people you know as friends. Should you receive a friend request from a person you don’t know in real life—don’t accept the friend request. You might think that collecting random friends is a great idea to get your friend numbers so that you look cool, but in reality you are putting your privacy at risk. There is no gray area between a creepy old dude and a hot young dude. Only add people you know in person—like friends from school, coworkers from your part time job, or teammates from your hockey league. A friend of a friend is OK, as long as you’ve met the person previously.

3. Manage your privacy settings on social networks
To avoid random connection requests from people that you don’t know, manage your privacy settings by setting them as high as possible. Keeping your Facebook account secure by:

Only allow pre-approved friends to view your profile
Only allowing friends to find you via general searches
Protect your profile from acquaintances you don’t know well by allowing photo albums and private info, like phone numbers, only to be viewed by close circles
Shut off any tools that allow you or your friends to check you into specific locations
Don’t post your address or photos of you in front of your home
Don’t post pictures of younger siblings and tag it with their name

4. Don’t give up personal information about yourself
Teens are common targets for identity theft because they are willing to over-share information—especially online where they don’t often see the ramifications right away.

To avoid becoming a target for identity theft:

Don’t post any sensitive info –including home address, phone number, email address, account passwords, Social Security numbers, financial information or place of work—online
Don’t give any information about your parents, their jobs, the private things they say to you about other people (e.g., your teachers or their bosses)
If you are the victim of cyber bullying, tell your parents right away
If you fear your identity has been stolen, tell your parents and report it to the police right away to prevent long-term financial damage

(Final note from the Editor who can’t quite shut up: Teens are much more vulnerable to predators than they will EVER realize. Given that this is a time of life when they’re experimenting with adult behaviors, it’s incumbent on parents to be even more vigilant and protective. Yes, this will annoy the daylights out of the teens. I’ll take an annoyed son who’s been kept safe over the alternative any day of the week.)

Earnest Parenting: helping parents keep their teens safe.

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Parenting Rant: Teens Should Show Respect

Amy LeForge — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:10:15 +0000

So. Teens. They can be frustrating! The respect around here has been occasionally…lacking. I tend to have high expectations for the boys. Not everyone agrees that children should be required to be polite and respectful. I get that. I’ve even tried to talk myself out of thinking that they should honor their parents and be the best humans they can be; but I just can’t.

A great many of the leading parenting experts espouse a “child-centered” approach. I’m all for treating children as an important component of the family, but having everything revolve around them? I can’t bring myself to believe that’s best. When they’re 18 and off to college, is the rest of the planet going to wait breathlessly for their every accomplishment and hang on every word?

I think not.

If I treat them as though they are the center of the universe, I’m not doing anything good for their sense of humility. Should I be insulting or negligent, or completely smash their self-esteem? Of course not. That would be the other extreme.

I’ve done a little poking around the ‘Net, and found a couple of articles that I really like. First, there’s a question on ExperienceProject.com about cocky arrogant teens that had a fantastic answer.

I think you have to analyze why teenagers become “cocky” and/ or “arrogant”.

“Cocky” is a confidence that is not backed up by experience and knowledge. That’s very common for teens, as they are young, they don’t know what’s what, and are ready to take on the world.

“Arrogant” is demanding consideration and respect. Teens, I think, usually become arrogant when they are treated as adults without the responsibility that comes with adulthood.

So how does discipline come into this? Well, I think it is the parent’s job to be sure that the teen knows where his or her place in the family and the world is, and prepare him or her for the future. A parent who is over-indulgent, sets no boundaries, and lets the child talk to him or her as if a peer is doing no favors.

I really like the part about helping the teen know where his or her place in the family and world is. Again, it’s not about crushing any egos. But knowing where you fit in the world really makes life more secure, don’t you think?

I for one wouldn’t choose to repeat any part of life before the age of 25. Not because it was anything terrible, but because I was 25 before I even began to feel comfortable in my own skin. I see much of that insecurity in my own boys every now and again, and I hurt for them.

At the same time, I get so frustrated when they’re rude and disrespectful. Because really…what else do I have to do to earn their respect?

My answer to that is: I don’t. Thinking that there’s more I need to do to earn respect from my children can be a trap. I can get stuck endlessly trying to win additional approval from them and fail miserably at instilling the very values I’m trying to teach. In fact, I see value in standing up a little straighter, speaking in a slightly lower voice, and simply being Mom. Both their needs and wants are met, everything I do is aimed at helping them be the best they can be. They don’t always like what I’m doing. They don’t see the long-term picture they way I do.

But why should they? They’re not exactly long on experience yet. I need to take that into account; to remember that I’m dealing with individuals who are still developing. I am the adult, and I am in charge. Whether they like it or not.

The other article that I really love and plan to print out is about instilling humility in children. All I can say about that is wow. And I love the reminder to stay calm and model respectful behavior myself. I do pretty well much of the time, but when I get frustrated? Then I’m not so successful at the whole calm modeling thing. I will continue to work on it.

At the end of the whole stream of thought here then, where are we? I’m going to go with “plodding forward”, having reminded myself that this part of the job is difficult but I can do it. There are amazing rewards coming; in the shape of young men who know how to treat other humans with true love and humility.

I just gotta keep on keepin’ on, and wait for it. What about you? Are you dealing with disrespectful children? What do you do about it?

Earnest Parenting: helping parents survive adolescence for the second time.

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