Earnest Parenting » Love and Logic

Love and Logic Strategy of Catch Phrases Can Be Controversial

Amy LeForge — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 17:35:25 +0000

My weekly article on GNMParents went up yesterday, and I wasn’t expecting Stu to have a response. But he did. Which is great because he pushed me to really think about what I am doing and why.

From the article: Tonight though, I think I hit on what will work for both me and the kids. It’ll run something along the lines of “Oh man! That looks really difficult.” or perhaps “Dude! That’s a tough one.”

There’s more to the equation than just using the right words though. I think that not being angry is a big part of the success that Love and Logic parents enjoy. For me personally, getting to that point? Not so easy. And while I’ve attained a degree of calm in my life for now, there’s no guarantee that…(you can read the rest of Use Catch Phrases and Calm here)

Stu’s response began with: Empathy is indeed a key part of the foundation. But be real, don’t look for a canned phrase. It’ll come off as false or shallow. Kids may be less mature and less experienced, but they are not stupid. And a catchphrase comes across as a lack of empathy.

In his second comment he really got my attention with: So everything is your fault. Once you internalize that, it makes it ever so much easier to get the results you want.

What do you think?

photo credit: BenjaminThompson

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Disobedience Wastes Time

Amy LeForge — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 06:04:20 +0000

I’ve been pondering deeply my routine failures lately at being loving and logical when the boys disobey or are otherwise annoying. A hallmark of the Love and Logic approach is for parents to shut. up. and let kids learn from their mistakes. Shutting up? Not a strength. I like to explain things waaaaay too much and as a result the boys tune me out.

One thing I’ve learned about me is that drastic change usually results in failure. I do better attacking problems in small steps. So rather than try to change my whole approach with the boys, I need to find one issue and work on that.

But what issue? I just couldn’t figure out where to start. A lot of prayer and pondering has gone on, and today a solution presented itself.

It happened when I called Captain Earthquake and The Manager over to stand by the table. My intent was to play the Left/Right game as part of math. They adore the game and we haven’t played it in a while. The Captain headed my way quickly, but The Manager started pouting and-get this-crawling on the floor. All because I had asked him to come over to the table. He didn’t even wait to find out why I was asking.

I got annoyed because he was wasting time trying to avoid what was going to be a really fun game.
The phrase “Disobedience wastes time” popped into my head. So I said it out loud and put him in time out. No other comments or discussion, just said “disobedience wastes time….nose to the wall”. Then I engaged Captain Earthquake in a rip-roarin’ game of Left/Right. The Manager was obviously disappointed at being left out but I stood my ground and didn’t release him until his time was up. Then we played the game.

Afterwards I got to thinking, hey! That was loving and logical. I kept my mouth shut, established a boundary and let him deal with the consequences. And it makes sense. Disobedience does waste time. I’m not accusing him of anything, just stating a fact.

I’m going to try it again tomorrow.

photo credit: faeryboots

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Do You Tell Your Children They’re Stupid?

Amy LeForge — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 13:00:01 +0000

I’ve written before about the Love and Logic books and how I have tried to implement the strategies in my own parenting. Have you read any of the books yet? You should try it…you may like it!

A strategy that I’ve got down cold is the questioning to resolve conflict technique. I’ve talked my way out of many power struggles just by offering choices in question form. A boy doesn’t want to wear socks? No problem! I ask him if he wants to wear the red ones or the blue ones. He chooses blue and voila! conflict resolved.

I’ve been noticing lately that I fall down completely in another area: leaving the boys to their own devices. I don’t mean we should walk out the front door and let the kids fend for themselves. It’s more about letting them make their own choices in a situation. For example, 2 boys were arguing about whose turn it would be on the computer. I could have told them to flip a coin, but instead I told them to figure it out, unless they wanted my option, which was to shut the computer off.

Not long after, a coin was tossed and the issue settled.

Unfortunately, more often than not I do step in and tell the boys what to do and how to do it. Even yesterday I had difficulty letting The Mercenary shovel snow without my input. Seriously. Why do I have to tell him how to shovel? I definitely need to watch my control freak factor.

Something else that drives. me. crazy: the boys constantly asking me for answers to things instead of figuring it out for themselves. Yesterday TechnoBoy handed me a magazine and asked me to explain a page he clearly hadn’t read. By keeping all the control I’m creating in them a dependency on me that I resent. I’m also fostering laziness and communicating to them that I don’t think they’re smart enough to handle things independently.

Basically, I’m telling them they’re stupid.

I’m not the smartest person on the planet, so I know that I can’t just write this blog post and wake up tomorrow completely changed and ready to react wisely to every situation. Instead, I’m going to try and find some time to reread my Love and Logic book, and then start solving the problem one situation at a time. Will I blow it and talk too much? Yep. That’s so gonna happen. But there will also be times when I get it right. If I keep at it, eventually there will be more successes than failures. Step by step, situation by situation, this can improve.

What about you? What do you tell your children?

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Do Your Kids Apologize Without a Power Struggle?

Amy LeForge — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 05:05:54 +0000

I haven’t talked much about Love and Logic lately and I want to give you an update. After reading the books 3 or so years ago I still see great wisdom in the approach. I’ll be honest: being loving while I’m being logical doesn’t exactly come easy. Logic….I’ve got that down pat. I can do logic. Staying calm and taking advantage of my children’s mistakes while keeping my mouth shut and trying to let them learn for themselves is not my natural groove. I’m much more prone to talking at them WAY too much.

That said, we’ve had some successes here and there. Mainly I’ve been learning to take my time when issues arise, and to try (strong emphasis on TRY) to keep my mouth shut and think before speaking. This actually has resulted in my having to stop the older boys from stepping in when their younger brothers are arguing. I’m seeing that if I wait quietly, about half the time they solve their own problems without me. Of course the other half turns into shouting matches or worse, but we’re working our way through that.

Tonight The Manager came crying to me because Captain Earthquake had pinched him. Because I was quiet and listening I soon discovered that The Manager had given the Captain a “snakebite” on the arm, hence the pinching. Both boys were pretty mad, it was late at night and they were tired. I’ve never tried this one before, but rather than insisting the boys apologize to each other I asked them if they wanted to say sorry or if they wanted to just skip to the “I forgive you” part.

The Captain surprised me by apologizing and stomping off. The Manager followed suit with a whimpered “Sorry” and about 3 minutes later everyone was best friends forever again.

I’ve often insisted on boys apologizing to each other which usually results in a power struggle. Instead of forgiveness and reconciliation we wind up with an argument over saying “Sorry” in a low voice through clenched teeth was loud enough at which point one or more boy stalks away angrily. I can see where this new strategy will work again in the future if both boys have offended one another. I’m not so sure what to try when only one boy is on the offense. Any suggestions?

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Pouty Pete and the Power Pinky

Amy LeForge — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 05:56:32 +0000

The Manager has been experimenting with pouting lately. It hasn’t been working out too well, as his sense of humor is developing nicely thankyouverymuch. I usually can get him laughing quickly thus foiling his dastardly pouting plot.

Today he tried it again, and I called him Pouty Pete. (I don’t know what started me exactly, but I’m all into strange phrases like “sit down Charlie Brown” or “what’s the story glory?”. I got a million of ‘em.)

It was clear he was listening to me, but the Pouty Pete label wasn’t quite making him laugh.

For my next attempt I informed him with a straight face that he was a Pouty Pete and that I’d have to tickle him in the ribs with my Power Pinky.

THAT got him. Heh, heh, heh. It wasn’t long before we were back on track with our day.

I threw in a tickle fight for good measure.

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