This series is titled “The Road to Earnesty” for more than one reason. First is the more obvious: the time line and events of my life. Second though, and more important to me, is the journey of the heart. I thought long and hard before coming up with the name of this blog. What follows are some of the reasons I write.

I mentioned in one of my very first posts that homeschooling has not been easy. For some reason, the older boys have had some kind of learning interference their whole lives. Crawling at 7 months, they were already pulling up on the furniture 2 weeks later. I was amazed. During the cruising stage, when they fell down (as all toddlers do) they didn’t bend. At all. Instead of landing instinctively on their more well padded areas, they’d fall back stick straight. I had never seen anything like it. They even hit their heads once or twice. I had to actually teach them how to fall down. I remember standing them by the couch and going through the process step by step, making them fall back and land on their diapers instead of their heads.

As they grew, I tried many tricks and ideas to get them to learn letters, numbers, anything. So often when we had a game or activity that looked like it was teaching something, they would flat out refuse to do it. Since they were so young, I just backed off. I didn’t want to do anything that would make the problem worse. They did learn, but it was definitely slower than other children. I wasn’t sure if it was because they were twins, or if something else was happening.

There were other things too. They didn’t learn other children’s names. Or the names of things around them. I get questions like “You know that thingy that I got last time?” frequently. Granted, I’m fond of words like thingy myself, but when you get to the point that the entire question has no context….that gets a little frustrating. I’ve noticed lately that their vocabulary in general isn’t as big as I would have expected for 9 years old. Careful attention to what I’m saying, and stopping too make sure that they’re with me seems to be helping.

I keep thinking back to the toddler-falling down episodes and my latest conclusion is that for whatever reason, they need to be directly taught rather than just exposed to information. I can’t assume that they’ll just pick up a fact or concept. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes they do. They’re very smart boys, and once they understand something, they’re golden. Hopefully a combination of their improved maturity and understanding along with the extra effort that we’re all making will help. I can’t do another year of straight frustration, and neither can they.

When I was at the end of my rope last spring I did quite a few searches online, trying to find other parents who were as ready to tear out their hair and throw it at the children as I was. There was very little out there…at least I couldn’t find anyone. When I asked other homeschooling moms, my questions were either met with silence, or a nice talk about how I had to pray about it more and figure out what I could do to be a better parent.

Now, I’m all for more prayer, and I fully accept the notion that I as the parent can make changes in myself that will positively impact and influence the children. But I came to a point where I had to say “It’s not all me. There’s something going on here, and I can’t control or fix it all.” For crying out loud, I’ve been doing the absolute best I could their whole lives. I’m not perfect and I’ve made a boatload of mistakes. But personal reflection and prayer were certainly not missing from the equation.

So, I started this blog. If nothing else it’s a chance for me to get some of my ideas and reactions off my chest and organized into a coherent set of thoughts. And maybe I’ll meet some other families who struggle the same way. Or better yet, maybe I’ll be an encouragement to someone else who’s seriously considering throwing in the towel.

Another factor that has had just a huge impact on my heart and life is family. I was thinking about it the other day and realized that I am not immediately related to anyone who is divorced. The closest I come to that is an in-law who went through a divorce more than 50 years ago.

But I come from a broken family nonetheless. I have a brother and a sister, each of whom got married the same year I did. Cool, isn’t it? There has yet to be a holiday celebration where all of my immediate family gathers and spends time together. In fact, we have never. Ever. All been together since that last wedding reception in 1995, and that was before any of us had children. This is due to bitterness and unforgiveness and brokenness. And it hurts.

I’ve invested many hours of anguished prayer into this over the years. I’ve gotten to the point of forgiveness and peace with all parties involved (I am pretty much a bystander).

The people in my life who are angry and bitter and lost are that way because they were mistreated by others who were angry and bitter and lost. The list of broken relationships goes back, oh, decades. One of the things that my brother and I promised each other when we were in our early teens was that the cycle of pain stops with us.We both promised. It stops here. We’re not going to let anything stop us from being family. We agree that family is a precious thing. A gift. We agree to fight to keep that gift, rather than let it slip away due to pride or misunderstanding or disagreement. Maybe those are goals too big to reach. I don’t know. But we’re trying.

I have great relatives. Please don’t think otherwise. I’d just like them to all talk to each other. I’d like to see them living in peace and perhaps even acceptance of each other. I pray for their healing.

Interestingly….in a painful ironic kind of way, I experienced another family breakup last year. This time it was my church family. The congregation that Hubby and I helped plant split into pieces, with a lot of pain to go around. The weird thing is it was a very amicable split, a year later. I see people that I disagree with on a very basic level, and we’re still friends and love each other. We just don’t go to the same church anymore.

Part of the split was the pastor leaving, so we spent a long time hiring a new one.  We’re now on the road to recovery, and a lot of healing has already taken place.  The parallels between my own family and what the church family has gone through have struck me more than once. It’s been hard, watching and experiencing it all. I’ve seen some folks develop that same bitterness and could do very little about it. The good news is that I’ve also seen a lot of people come through all of this without getting all angry. Those shining examples give me hope.

For noow, Hubby and I are doing our level best to teach the boys to love and cherish one another. Whenever we can, we emphasize that brothers are special gifts, and should be treated as such. Yes, they fight like cats and dogs on a regular basis, and try to beat the tar out of each other routinely. They usually come up laughing though, and are already learning the value of the apology and forgiveness. Between our efforts and the grace of God, that should be enough.